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Somerset Tales

12th February, 2006. 3:00 pm.

Right. Nick's got her mobile on in her pocket, so I can listen.
"We'll read your names out in order of how many marks you got, top first. The bottom three will go home."
PLEASE let Kirsty be going home.
"Our top model so far is .... Kahlen."
At least she's not top.
"Second is .... Kaethe."
YAY for Kaethe! She's staying and she's better than Kirsty! Better than Nick too, surprisingly.
"Third .... Nicolette."
Nick doesn't seem to be kicking and screaming, maybe she will later.
"Fourth .... Emma. Fifth .... Katy C."
Well done, Katy C.
"Sixth .... Natalya. Seventh .... Caitie S."
And the other one.
"Eighth .... Lila. And our ninth model is ...."
Freya! Someone I don't know! The other person I don't know! NOT KIRSTY!
".... Kirsty. Freya, Gemma, Francesca - we're sorry to lose you. Good luck in the future, girls."

I hear a little crying, then a fart, then the phone goes dead. Damn Nick's talent for farting on command! And damn Kirsty for getting in. She'll be so SMUG later. At least she was last, after Kaethe, Nick, Katy and Caitie, and four others. Time to go to Melissa's - and on the way, I'll call Jus and tell him about Nick farting down the phone at me. He loves farting, hehe.

Make Notes

12th February, 2006. 1:39 pm.

Wow. Been a while hasn't it? Ah well, not much has happened. We got in deep shit for the school pics, Cathcart even wanted Brig suspended! She talked about it in assembly, in front of us and Y11, and so many people were trying to stifle laughs. Brig managed to use her mother to worm her way out of it, her punishment went down to a week's detention. Jen, Janet and Justin were suspended for the rest of the term, though Jus had to come in once for a meeting with the school counsellor - "Do you think you need to be a girl, Justin, or Justine if you prefer?". He was mortified, and when everyone found out, he was happy to be suspended. Poor Jus, he will never look like a real boy.

Other things still the same. James is still going out with Kirsty - I wish he'd break up with the bloody cow. She's off on the model weekend thing today - Nick's going to call me at three, when the results come in, to say who did and didn't get through. We're going to lunch with them at five. Each model is allowed to bring one friend or family member. Kaethe asked me, and Nick called earlier to say that Melissa could come along as Caitie's friend, as she's got no-one and both Nick's mum and Freya's mum just HAVE to be there. Justin doesn't want to join us.

James will be invited by Bad Facelift. Now is my time to shine. Melissa will do me up perfectly - I will get James to love me if it's the last thing I ever do. It'll be harder than before if I'm surrounded by pretty girls, but I can beat them all.

Make Notes

30th January, 2006. 6:48 pm.

School pictures were actually quite a laugh. Operation Bridgette worked PERFECTLY. Justin, Janet, Jen and Big Dave mysteriously came down with colds - I wonder why? So they, Melissa, Ginger and Kaethe (with all the time she spends being gastrically challenged, they en't gonna let her near the pool) wrecked Brig's uniform. We had to stop ourselves from giggling when her buttons kept falling out of their holes so that you could see her bra, sewn over double so that it could barely cover anything. Ginger is the Goddess of sewing, so it didn't even look like it had been tampered with. Also, Freya was standing behind Brig for the picture, and balanced a spoon on her head.

Ginger and I "exploded" our hair, with the help of that hair-straightening cream I used for the modelling. We looked so stupid, and yet it could be a complete accident. Kaethe had her cat ears and cat nose and cat whiskers on, which rocked. Of course, Janet and Jen had their tops hanging open, Big Dave and a few other boys (and Nick!?) had "BALLS" patches, but Justin was the best (apart from Brig). He hated the idea, but being as it's school pics, he likes a laugh as much as we do. We got one of Nick's padded bras and stuffed it with bra stuffing (Nick's mum makes her do this for modelling), LOADS of it, and he put it on. He stood sideways for the picture so that both the tits and the blazer patch were really obvious, and ta-da! Justine! He only wore it for the picture and took it off straight after, but it was funny.

In conclusion, school pictures aren't so bad after all ....

Make Notes

27th January, 2006. 12:03 pm.

In physics. Bored, bored, bored.

Haven't written in this in ages. Not much news, really - everything is normal. Kaethe weirder than usual, she's spending half the day in the bog, worried she might be bulimic. Told Nick so, she thinks it's because Ketz is eating loads of cheese (she's allergic to it) and topping it with dust (she's mad). Plus Kaethe wouldn't know how to make herself throw up.

School Picture Horror coming up. We have purple - yes, PURPLE! - uniforms with TITS written on the blazers (our school is called Tozer's Independent Teaching School, and it's bad enough that it was started by someone whose surname is almost Tosser, let alone the initials being TITS). And we look like tits when we're wearing our uniforms. We're wondering what to do about school pictures - Janet and Jen want to wear the blazers with open shirts and no bras on - as in, if our school is called TITS, let's show our tits. Big Dave thinks that all the boys (apart from Fatshawe, who has tits) should stick patches with "BALLS" over the bit on the blazer.

The best idea so far - Operation Bridgette. Basically, being as the pictures are on Monday after swimming, Ginger and Melissa (Ginger's in a wheelchair, Melissa can't swim) are going to go into the changing room and sabotage Brig's uniform. Cut a few bits off her bra, make the buttonholes on her shirt bigger, sew her skirt up a bit so that it's really short - just little things that she won't really notice. She's the head of the form, she's the model student and she's the headmistress' daughter, so she has to get in trouble more than anyone. And Cathcart will NOT believe her if she blames someone else, even if she is Brig. I'm surprised that Ginger would do this, because she's the sweetest, kindest person in the school, but Brig has been so unbelievably mean to her. She even pushed her down the school steps, then called for her mum and said that she saw Melissa doing it.

Brig is evil, evil, evil. And her nose looks like a spoon.

Make Notes

17th January, 2006. 4:17 pm.

NEWSFLASH!

Nick, Kaethe, Freya and Caitie got letters from the modelling contest people today! Apparently, they've made it to the first heat of the Somerset section. They were showing them off like nutters (which they are). At the bottom of Kaethe's letter, it says - "PS. You were with that lad who looks a bit girly weren't you? Please tell him to call this number, he's got what it takes to be a male model!". We're trying to get Justin to call it, but he won't.

Melissa, Jen, Nick, Brig and me not happy with results. Melissa and Jen because they wanted to get through. Nick because she didn't. Brig because she wanted Freya to not get through. And me - well, I'm happy for Ketz and Jus (hehe), and not that bothered about me, but there were two others who got through in our school. Katy Catterling in Year 8 (I'm quite surprised, she's really, really shy) - and Kirsty Blisswell. More reason for her to be SMUG. She isn't even that pretty, she looks like she's had a bad face lift (can't believe that anyone, let alone my lovely James, would want to snog that!), but she's skinny and poncey and that's what matters.

Next heat is a weekend modelling workshop in February, when they choose nine models out of the 12 that got through. I hope that Kirsty and Nick aren't in the final nine.

Make Notes

16th January, 2006. 5:03 pm.

Came home to raging father, on the phone to someone. He was shouting, "My daughter has NOT got learning difficulties! And we did NOT teach her to say things like that! She'll see you in school next week, and she'll be FINE! GOODBYE!". He slammed the phone down. I was really, really afraid that he was talking to Cathcart and I'd been excluded for a week. Sadly, not so.

Dad : "Your little sister's just been excluded!"
Me : "Why? What's happened?"
Dad : "She told her teacher to eff off. Did YOU teach her to say that?"
Me : "No. And I doubt Manky did either, he doesn't even know that word himself."
Dad : "Must have been those snotty kids then! It's THEIR fault, not ours!"

Decided that it was a very good time to run upstairs, as I didn't want to tell Dad about my detention when he's in this sort of mood. I also didn't want to laugh myself silly about what Paris did in front of him - I wish I was there! It's almost as good as Kaethe throwing up on Cathcart! My little sister is excellent. I think she must have a learning difficulty though. I've got Asperger's Syndrome, Manky's got autism and dyslexia, Monica's got, erm, chronic smugness (LIKE THAT WHORE KIRSTY) - Paris has to have something, right?

Oh, what a mad family I have. Mad friends too, while I'm at it. Is everyone around me mad?

Make Notes

16th January, 2006. 3:41 pm.

Kaethe did the most amazing thing today. Second lesson, RE. Miss Cathcart was handing back our work and telling us how badly we'd done (as usual). Kaethe was complaining about needing the bog, Cathcart said, "Surely you can hold it in until I have discussed your work with you!". She couldn't. In one big heave, Kaethe puked all over Cathcart. Best-aimed vomit EVER. They both went to clean up, Kaethe got back first and everyone cheered. When Cathcart came back in, the cheering was still going on.

Cathcart : "It is not funny that Kita here is ill. Neither is it funny that she was sick on me."
Big Dave : "But it was, Miss!"
Me : "And it's Kaethe, not Kita."
Cathcart : "Whatever. Kita, go to the medical room right now, and detention for you tonight."
Kaethe : "Was ist die Medikalroom?"
Cathcart : "Don't you speak German at me, young lady, just GO!"
Brig : "I'll take you, Katta."
Cathcart : "Thankyou, Bridgette."
Big Dave : "Oi! Miss! You got a little mashed potato on you, on yer tit!"
Cathcart : "That's very kind of you to point out, David. Detention for you too."

It is a well-known fact that Kaethe eats mashed potato every morning. She has done ever since she could eat solid food - obviously she had too much this time! Cathcart has given detention to everyone who made fun of the fact that she has vomit on her suit. Problem is, it got round the school very quickly, and she wears white. So, I'm sitting here with half the school. Lucky for us, Cathcart herself couldn't do detention as she had to go home (naturally), so good ol' Dither's taking us, which means we can arse around all we want.

My mad friend is a legend. We all agree. We'd all pat her on the back, but we're afraid that more might come out.

Make Notes

15th January, 2006. 12:51 am.

I love James. I love him. I LOVE HIM!

Make Notes

14th January, 2006. 11:51 pm.

Can't sleep.

Was too awful.

Modelling was fine. Very funny, actually. Nick's mum was flirting with one of the judges. The very same judge who thought that Justin was a girl, and when he said he's not taking part, he's a friend, the judge said - "Are you sure? You're one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen!". Nick, Melissa, Ketz and I were doubled up with laughter, and Justin has never blushed so much in his life! Poor Jus. He said he's going to cut his hair, but we all say he shouldn't.

We weren't the only girls from our school there. Freya, Brig, Caitie and Jen were there too - as were James and Dan (watching, not taking part, of course), and not forgetting our evil headmistress. This made us want to be even better, to show our headmistress that we may not be great in school but we have other talents - and, of course, to show James that we're good at everything. Katy, a shy little girl from Year 8, was there too, and poncey cow Kirsty Blisswell from Year 13. She was straight after me. I thought that James blew me a kiss as I left the catwalk. I also thought that he was there to watch his little sister. I was wrong.

He is going out with Kirsty.

He even had the nerve to give us a lift back in his posh car - of course, we jumped at the chance at the time, so Justin and I went back with him (I said no girls apart from me in case his eyes wander, so Kaethe, Nick and Ms. Biggs went back with Melissa), and we sat with Freya, jabbering about the modelling and did we do OK, Jen's a right slag, Brig looks like a dog, etc. - until James got into the car. And Kirsty sat in the front. I saw them kiss, and I felt like dying. I wish the car would crash and everyone but me would survive (or better, everyone but Kirsty). My dream man, with that horrible girl, the biggest snob in school. Tall, really skinny, good at every subject, all A* GCSEs and AS-levels. Smugger than my big sister, and that's saying something.

And you know what's worse? He brought her to band practice. Nick, Justin and Melissa were on top form as usual, but my bass was so wrong. I couldn't perform with her there. Kirsty noticed. I overheard her talking to James later.

James : "They were really good! They could go far."
Kirsty : "Hmm. Justin definitely has talent - not sure about the others."
James : "Maybe Nick's a bit hard on it for you, but she's bloody good."
Kirsty : "I don't think so! She's so bad! And that Melissa, or should I say Melitha!"
James : "It's only a little lisp, and it does make her voice unique."
Kirsty : "If you say so. As for Somerset - when did she start learning bass? Yesterday?"
James : "I think she's just having an off-day, maybe she's a bit tired after modelling."
Kirsty : "She sucks! And she's ugly with it. She was terrible on the catwalk."
James : "She wasn't that bad. Nothing compared to you, of course."
Kirsty : "Was I the best?"
James : "Better than anyone."
*snog snog*

Yes, that's right, I could HEAR them snogging. Disgusting.

So I'm terrible at modelling, ugly, and I suck at playing bass, which is what I do best. But I'm more angry about Kirsty saying that about my friends - obviously nothing bad about Justin, because he's a bloke, but she was just plain catty about the others! Afraid that James might want them instead of her! Nick was on top form, as always, how dare Kirsty say that? And tho what if Melitha hath a thlight lithp? Doesn't mean she can't sing! James is so wrong when he says that Kirsty was better than anyone. Nick and Kaethe KICKED HER ARSE. They were the best there by a country mile.

I hate James. I hate him. I HATE HIM!

Make Notes

14th January, 2006. 9:53 am.

Goal : Flame-haired temptress.
Result : Flame-haired, as if my hair's on fire.

That hair gunk straightened my hair alright. The only problem (and this is a BIG problem) is, I look like a cross between a lioness and a freakshow freak. It straightened it, but it's sticking out everywhere! ARG!

We're drastically trying to find a solution to this. Melissa suggests adding some blonde bits at the ends so that it looks smaller under the light, gelling some of it down into a fringe, scooping it up into my usual pigtails and adding a nice tiara, plus wearing some extra diamonds and more make-up than Nick's mum (and she wears LOADS) to detract attention from my hair. Kaethe and Nick both suggest leaving it like that - Ketz because she thinks that looking mad is good (she is really, really mad), Nick cuz it's dark in Kaethe's basement and nobody will notice, and do I really want to be a model anyway? Jus suggests a very large hat. Being as Melissa's amazing at doing hair and make-up, I'll do her way first, and if it doesn't work then Justin's way sounds good.

Melissa's annoyed that she can't come with us, and her parents are driving her down. Nick's mum's car barely ever works, so we all have to go on the train - Melissa's parents won't have it. Apparently, it's dangerous. What, in broad daylight? When Melissa herself is pretty big and burly for such a delicate-acting girl, plus is a blue belt in karate? When Nick, who got detention last year for knocking Janet out with a hockey stick, and got suspended last term for knocking Big Dave's tooth out (and Big Dave lives up to his name - he's not fat like Fatshawe, he's a bodybuilder), is with us? When we've got Nick's mum here, who can make anyone jump out of their skin and run away crying if she gives them one of her many Evil Looks (trust me, she is the World's Scariest Person!)? Honestly. They just don't trust the girl.

Got to go - Melissa's done with the easy bit (sorting out Kaethe's make-up, not that she needs it to look like a superstar), now for the hard part - my massive hair.

Make Notes

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